Item #: SPC-172
Object Class: Apollyōken
Selachian Pugilization Contingencies: Due to its anomalous effect, SPC-172 is unpunchable.
In lieu of the abandoned full-scale punching campaign of SPC-172, the DARWIN CAN EAT MY ASS protocol has been enacted to drive SPC-172 to extinction through non-pugnātorial means. Failure to eradicate SPC-172 poses a nonzero risk of SPC-172-A spreading as a dominant evolutionary trait among sharks in the long term, which would result in an End-of-World K/O Failure Scenario.
Description: SPC-172 is a selachian entity known to civilians as the narwhal1. While technically a mammal, SPC-172 meets the Shark Punching Center's three criteria for verifiable sharkitude.
Over time, male instances of SPC-172 have evolved a facial stabbing implement (heretofore SPC-172-A) that completely neutralizes all punching attempts.
Punchination Attempt Log-172:
Punch Attempt | Punch Result | Notes |
---|---|---|
Agent Seagal uppercutting a captive instance of SPC-172. | False-positive | "We've been over this. It doesn't count unless it's directly in the shark's face." - Coach Naismith |
Agent Seagal punching a captive instance of SPC-172 in the face. | Negative | Following surgery and successful recovery, Seagal has since requested transfer to another project that doesn't involve punching a pointed stick. |
Agent Seagal punching a captive instance of SPC-172 in the face, harder. | Negative | "Good Lord, it's like he's wearing his arm as a horn sock…" - Coach Naismith |
Deployment of a fist-tipped Ahab-2 unit modified for underwater deployment into an instance of SPC-172 | Inconclusive | An autopsy of the resulting cloud of shredded viscera was unable to return any evidence of successful facial fisticuffs. |
Agent Seagal punching a captive instance of SPC-172 in the face even harder, with his other arm. | Negative | The fist came within 1.2 meters of the instance's face before Agent Seagal succumbed to lethal injuries consistent with fishkebabitization. |
Agent Norris punching a captive female - ergo, hornless - instance of SPC-172. | N/A | Punch was initially successful and resulted in death of the instance, but autopsy revealed that female instances of SPC-172 are toothless, which causes them to fail the third criterion of verifiable sharkitude, "does it have pointy bits," and - ergo - are not sharks. |
Agent Norris punching a juvenile male instance of SPC-172, with a smaller SPC-172-A instance than usual, in the face. | N/A | "Come on, he's a kid." - Coach Naismith |
Agent Norris punching a captive male instance of SPC-172 in the face, harder than Agent Seagal. | N/A | "I quit." - Agent Norris. |
Agent Norris punching a captive male instance of SPC-172 in the face, harder than Agent Seagal, or Coach Naismith will burn his house down. | Negative | The fist came within 1.1 meters of the instance's face before Agent Norris succumbed to lethal injuries consistent with fishkebabitization. |
Sawing off a captive male instance of SPC-172's SPC-172-A, then punching it. | N/A | "We're the Shark Punching Center, not the Shark Editing Then Shark Punching Center. Lose the goddamn training wheels." - Coach Naismith |
Usage of experimental selachian-punching device HERCULES HATES SHARKS to partially decrease the mass of Agent Norris's rocket-propelled disembodied fist in such a manner that it phases through the SPC-172-A instance and lands on the captive male instance's face. | Inconclusive | Device failed, dimensional anomaly generated, accidentally punched God. |